Annapolis Capital Punishment

Mayor Ellen (O) Moyer will do a top-down review of the performance of all her appointed officials and their effectiveness in running city departments by hiring an outside consultant. Somehow the report will be sequestered while it undergoes review and revision. While this is going on, so-called City Administrator (can you say "sinecure'?) Bob Agee will be on an extended trip with various well-paid city consultants/cronies to plant a million trees in a hundred sister cities all over the world.

As the field of mayoral hopefuls grows daily, outgoing President George Bush decides to throw his hat into the ring and declares his candidacy for mayor of Annapolis. "My plan is to seek and destroy all evidence of WMD's" said the two-term president who is likely to be remembered as the worst president in US history. "By WMD's, I am referring to Wasted Moyer Disasters, namely the Market House, police station, and skyrocketing crime rate. I sure can't do a worse job."

Five more Aldermen announce they will not serve the remainder of their four-year terms. Another special election is called. Five Green Party candidates sweep the election and Green Party members still whine that Democrats whine that they stole votes from them.

Mayor Moyer and Public Housing Director Eric Brown are seen dining in a local watering hole. Reports that they were playing footsie with each other are not confirmed.

Longtime Police Chief Joseph Johnson continues to say he plans to retire.

In a bold move, Alderperson Classie Hoyle proposed a resolution to condemn the Naval Academy for not banning use of plastic explosives.

In an even bolder move, Mayor Moyer and City Council vote unanimously in favor of annexing the entire Anne Arundel County. "We think this will enhance our tax base and allow us to continue to provide the high level of services we provide for Annapolis, to residents of all Anne Arundel County." County Executive John Leopold promised he would meet with the Mayor to discuss their mutual concerns as soon as he could find time on his calendar.

Mayor Moyer pushed for banning real Christmas trees in Annapolis, saying instead that "Due to ecological concerns, we should allow people to choose between paper or plastic trees, but not real ones."

Alderman Sam Shropshire proposed new legislation to ban the use of all plastic gags in Annapolis. "This means whoopee cushions, squirting lapel pins, and of course handshake buzzers. Paper gags such as fake money will still be allowed."

Newly-elected Alderman Fred Paone announced he would submit a bill to ban plastic guns. "Just kidding" he was quoted as saying after the council meeting.

Alderman Julie Stankivic proposed legislation that would not longer allow the City to either borrow money or sell bonds to finance debt. "We should pay our bills with paper that we have in our hands that represents real money in a real bank, rather than plastic. When Wall Street meets with us and asks "paper or plastic" we can faithfully say "paper."

Alderman Ross Arnett, owner of a fiberglass (also known as plastic) sailboat, said he would introduce a bill to force all owners of wooden (also called paper) boats to purchase plastic boats in their place. Arnett asked, "Why should any self-respecting yachtsman be forced to sand and varnish when a plastic boat just needs a good wash down?"

Alderman David Cordle announced he would submit a bill to ban plastic guns. "Just kidding" he was quoted as saying after the council meeting.

Alderman Sheila Finlayson could not be reached for comment. However, she and all Alderman announced that they too would be running for mayor.