Annapolis Capital Punishment

 Ahh. St. Paddy’s Day. Let’s all go downtown tonight to drink mass quantities of green beer and stumble from one bar to the next…to the next…and then seek out the ones that stay open until 2 am where we will join in the revelry all bedecked in our green outfits, silly hats while totally @$!^&*!!!! inebriated of course and get in our cars and drive after getting one last drink down, you know, for the road…Urrrp….skyoozame…I apologize in advance, but between the bars and cars, my friends and I may disturb some of you downtown residents because we might end up sprawled out in your front yard where you may also find puddles of green liquid or globs of green goo deposited in your flower pots, or doorsteps or on each other…sorry, but hey…. well, you know, we’re just having fun….urrrp…..ohh…..did anybody else notice the room is spinning….where’s the bathroom?? ooooo, wupps, never mind….I’ll just use this nice spot with the crocuses and daffodils…..they needed watering anyway….hee hee….it aint easy being green, so I’m helping those nice flowers along and I should get an environmental award from the city…..urrrp…..Yeshireee, it’s my right as an American (or honorary Irishman) to go out and drink myself silly and carouse unto the wee hours and what are you gonna do about it….huh???.....read on....



Hey—wake up and smell the coffee! Some people think all bars should close at midnight while others believe that all bars should be allowed to open until 2 a.m.. Darn! Only two a.m.? Man, it’s going to get awfully crowded between midnight and 2 at those bars. Let’s have a contest and see who is still standing…..wupps! I guess I lose….

Nobody wanted to hear about budget and finances this week so I have turned my attention to a more, uh, frivolous topic. Frivolous you say? Hey, this is a serious and real quality of life issue. Law-abiding citizens in their own homes are being disturbed and in some cases, have had their homes and yards vandalized by drunken revelers leaving downtown bars. They make noise, wander through the streets and alleyways, smash bottles, knock over trashcans, urinate, vomit and leave various other bodily fluids on private and public property. It’s not a pretty sight and downtown residents should be upset and angry.

Their neighborhood is not a frat house, but why do we argue about closing time? The issue is drunk and disorderly public conduct. The issue is regulating human behavior. The issue is management of these watering holes. The issue is police enforcement and community relations—between police and businesses and residents. No matter where you live in this city, whether you are a resident, business owner, big-time party animal, alderman, teetotaler, Dean Martin or Spuds Mackenzie, the issue is not closing time. The issue is public behavior when you exit the bar.

There is a very clear-cut problem with real, workable solutions. Why can’t all the downtown parties (uhh, yeah like as in parties dude…) get together and figure out how to regulate and control the offensive behavior? After all, any drinker who can barf on your doorstep at 2:10 AM can also knock over your flowerpots, or worse, at 12:07 Perhaps some downtown bar owners and maybe residents, some of whom are my friends, are shaking their heads at me while going tsk, tsk, tsk.

But officer, I didn’t mean to barf in that lady’s yard but well, you know it’s St. Paddy’s Day and I was going to go home sober at midnight but it’s the bar’s fault because they stayed opened open until two… I guess I, oopps, whoa, uhh I think I’m going to be sick….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwffff! Oh geeze officer am I ever sorry….Zzzzappp….Ouch that hurt! That shocked me! Ouch! But I did not know how much it hurt until midnight, or was it 2 am? If only downtown coffee shops opened at 2 a.m. with stops out front for the drunk bus…………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz boink! If only St Patrick had chased all the bars out of Annapolis instead of all the snakes out of Ireland.

####